It’s November which means artisanal bakeries in Brooklyn are filled with mustachioed youths pouring their souls into a 20 inch Macbook Pros. Last November I took National Novel Writing Month for a spin (or NaNoWriMo is you want to get tongue-tied) and ended the month with a half-formed blob of work. Sure, I’d only heard of the movement three days before the countdown began, but still I was Le Sad to fail. This year I planned slightly better, only to then be offered paying work and, therefore, selling my soul TO THE MAN and now I will not be participating. But for all of you typewriter hoarders out there good luck! I’ll start you off… (This started all mad-lib and ended all here’s my crazy).
Once upon a time ______ (unconventional unisex name) lived in a place so perfect it could only be fiction. The air smelled like delicious ____ (edible) and everyone spent their days ___ (your favorite activity). Life was grand until Queen _________ (obvious evil moniker) murdered her benevolent father and took over the realm, casting it in eternal shadow. Now ____ (unconventional unisex name) must save the world from _____ (singularly caused apocalyptic moment) by joining forces with his best friend ____ (name denoting loyalty), and maybe even getting a little help from the gorgeous and popular ____ (tough and sexy name), in order to complete the FOUR TASKS TO SAVE THE WORLD.
Despite ______ (unconventional unisex name) uncontrollable fear of ______ (humanizing and common phobia), his tragic history of _____ (mysterious past trauma), and a complete lack of social skills; _____ (unconventional unisex name) will easily find the long lost ______ (key, map, stone, cup, or Tamagotchi) which will guide them to an unidentified but ultimately disappointing object deep under the Sea of ____ (thematically appropriate awe inspiring whimsy). Here they will battle the _____ (terrifying monster randomly plucked from Greek mythology) who has been tasked to guard the item by the all-powerful and possibly evil ____ (name made up only of vowels) the full-of-surprises-because-they’re-not-just-another-pretty-face _______(tough and sexy name) will know how to defeat the monster using ____ (random object brought on this death defying journey for no apparent reason).
Sadly ____(name denoting loyalty) will now be overcome by jealousy because he was SO loyal he actually has no life away from the story’s hero. ______ (unconventional unisex name) must thwart a battle of sarcasm between hottie-with-a-body and buddy-too-loyal all while camping under the star at the Sea of ____ (thematically appropriate awe inspiring whimsy). It’s not easy being the leader! With the monster defeated, ____(name denoting loyalty) dives to the depths of the sea to get the mystery object, he does this without the required oxygen and doesn’t tell anyone he’s going because now that his BFF has another friend, ____(name denoting loyalty) has no reason to continue to live. However, he does live because he’s mad fit from chasing after ______ (unconventional unisex name) all these years. He finds a ____ (disappointing human item that becomes crazyAWESOMEridonc magical item). The (key, map, stone, cup, or Tamagotchi) begins to glow ___ (blue if it’s a story of resilience, gold if it’s a story of power, white if its a story of faith, and red if it’s about to get awkwardly sexy) and _______(tough and sexy name) somehow knows what this means.
The rift-laden trio will now head to the abandoned city of ____ (name with no vowels) where they will immediately be met with razor sharp arrows all aimed at their most vital organs, all of which are avoided with an easy turn of the spine! Luckily, it turns out the attackers are the _____ (name of an element in a dead language) a magical and crazy-good-looking people who will join in the trio’s quest because the enemy of the enemy is the friend. This is great luck for ____ (name denoting loyalty) who immediately finds someone more sexually gratifying to stalk… er I mean befriend and follow around. With a new army to help them, ____ (unconventional unisex name) & _____ (tough and sexy name) head off to find the ____ (object of obvious importance) which can be combined with the ____ (disappointing human item that because crazyAWESOMEridonc magical item) to form a deadly ____ (weapon of your choice) that can kill the unkillable evil queen. ____(name denoting loyalty) stays behind to help his new lover prepare the army for battle. _____ (unconventional unisex name) & _____ (tough and sexy name) get some ponies and trot off to the edge of a rainbow where a single stone pillar stands erect, and on it rests the ____ (object of obvious importance) which the reader will assume is protected by some sort of hide-and-seek magic of good&true intentions but is really just out there for anyone to find.
Meanwhile, ____(name denoting loyalty) and the army have set up outside of the queen’s castle behind some shrubbery where they will be safe until morning, UNTIL A TRAITOR EMERGES! Enter ____ (name of a constellation), who only entered the story ten pages ago and was then only seen serving bread in a totally ironic fashion, ____ (name of a constellation) lights a candle and betrays their location earning him horrified glares that are so intense the army can actually do nothing but watch him run away into the night! The battle rages.
____(unconventional unisex name) & _____ (tough and sexy name) arrive a day late and a dollar short to find nothing but tattered flags at the army camp. Hearing the familiar coo of a baby barn owl ____ (unconventional unisex name) finds the army in the woods; only ____ (low number based on your optimism levels) soldiers remain. ____ (name denoting loyalty) has been awakened by his travails and now realizes he needs to learn to share his BFF with the world. The original trio now enter the castle through that giant tunnel that runs into all castles. Immediately they must choose which door to open and it is left up to _____ (tough and sexy name) to choose. She chooses number ___ (number) and is wrong, and ______ (this happens, this can be an attack of carrier pigeons, a Furby invasion, a billow of dust that brings on an allergy attack, or a sink hole something keeps our tough and sexy hero from continuing on and maybe kills her). After the shrill and inspirational words that ____(unconventional unisex name) hears coming from within the fury of terror that surrounds _____ (tough and sexy name) our leader forges on to save the world. Because things go his way for the 3 minute and 30 second walk down the castle hall our leader feels brazen and ____ (laughs, wails, sings, eats Pop Rocks, farts or farts while eating Pop Rocks). A knight hears him and crashes through the wall to throw a ___ (spear, sword, whole tuna fish, sharp object) toward the leaders chest. ____ (name denoting loyalty) takes the blow for his friend, cause ya know its only fair since ____ (name denoting loyalty) was being a jealous weenie earlier.It is assumed ____ (name denoting loyalty) dies.
Now filled with rage and purpose our leader rushes to the queen’s chamber where she is ____ (performing this ritual of vanity). Our leader tries to use the magical weapon but the queen easily defeats him. She plays with him by using _____ (magically used force of nature ie. using wind to slap him around) and tells him with her sad life story #prettygirlproblems. She accidentally mentions ____ (atypical feature ie. inverted belly button, nubbin, hang-nail) and our leaders knows what to do! Chanting the magical words of love and forgiveness (cause that’s what its all about folks) he stabs her ___ (a typical feature) and she dies in anguish. Our leader jumps out the window and falls thirteen feet onto the back of his noble stead. He rides into the distance and finds the army still behind the shrubs. Here his friends give him thumbs up from their stretchers, somehow they were saved by unseen forces. They live _____ (adverb based on your love of life) ever after.
End credit secret scene:
____ (name of a constellation) goes to _____ (chain store) and is eaten by _____ (animal).